Laugh lines ... and other wrinkles: The sex life of coat hangers
Say what!?! Well, in my closet this has gotten to be a problem.
Coat hangers by the zillions are hanging everywhere. Statistics show 8 to 10 billion plastic and wire hangers (enough to fill the Empire State Building four times) are sold each year. Try throwing that in the conversation next time you're at a party. If that doesn't work, mention that you're embarrassed because the ones hanging in your closet never seem to multiply and your therapist suggested their sex drive is probably low.
Seems it can happen in the best of closets. It's not something you can keep hidden forever. Guests catch on when you never offer to hang up their coats and your kids can't roast marshmallows because nobody can find an extra hanger.
I've tried all kinds of stimulus. One friend even brought over some of her suitcase fold-up hangers and hung it with the group. They were clean, flexible, well traveled. After keeping the light off for three days, I opened the door to see if anything was going on. All I saw was the same dull, lifeless group hanging there.
It could be my hangers are just too old to get anything going. Some of them sag so badly they can't hold their pants up anymore. Others have jackets and blouses hanging wrong side out, completely unbuttoned with their shoulders stretched out. A few are bent over so badly they're practically touching the floor. A small group in the back corner are hanging upside down, interlocked with each other. Apparently nothing worked out there either. They're pretty pathetic looking ‘swingers.'
Could be the whole bunch is stoned on the moth balls I keep hanging in there. My best bet would be to gather them all up and pitch 'em in the trash. Then I could start with a fresh group from the dry cleaners. I'm thinking about substituting a red light bulb just to keep things lively — well, sort of.